Supporting a Loved One
Survivors often reach out only once for help. Your response matters.
Everyone who experiences sexual assault reacts differently. Some people withdraw and become depressed; others get angry and lash out. Others still may seem completely unbothered, even though they’re grappling with complicated feelings on the inside.
All emotions are understandable, normal reactions to sexual assault, and all can make it difficult for survivors to talk about their feelings and get help.
When a survivor reaches out to you for support, you don’t need the perfect response. But some responses are more helpful than others.
How to respond when a survivor reaches out
Someone I Love: A Workshop for Family and Friends of Sexual Assault Survivors
Days, Months, and Years After Sexual Assault
This 2.5-hour workshop is designed for partners, family, and friends (ages 16 and up) of sexual assault survivors. This therapist-led, curriculum-based workshop focuses on understanding trauma, helping a loved one, and answering the question: “What About Me?” A Spanish version of this workshop is also run, but not as frequently. (Note: this workshop is not intended for survivors or service providers.) Groups are offered on a donation-based sliding scale and we will never turn anyone away for inability to pay.
Listen without judgment. A survivor may have confusing or even contradictory feelings about their assault. They may want to talk about it repeatedly as they process it. Let them share whatever comes to mind without judging.
Remind them that there’s no right way to feel. No matter how long ago they were assaulted, it’s normal to feel an array of emotions, including anxiety, fear, humiliation, shame, guilt, anger, numbness, and confusion. All emotions are valid, even if you may not understand them.
Remind them that it’s not their fault. Many survivors try to understand why they were assaulted and may wonder what they did to “deserve” it. But sexual assault has nothing to do with the survivor’s decisions. Assure your loved one that they aren’t to blame for what happened.
Give them time. There’s no timeline for healing. Everyone recovers at their own pace—and for many, it’s a lifelong journey. Make sure they know they can always come to you for support, whether they were assaulted a week ago or a decade ago.
Ask them what they need. Every survivor has their own needs. Some survivors may want a trusted companion to attend doctor’s appointments or support groups with them, while others may want to tackle these things alone. Some may want to recognize the anniversary of their assault; others may want to forget. Don’t assume. Ask them how you can help them, then respect their wishes.
Manage your own feelings. If you need help processing or coping with the feelings you have around your loved one’s sexual assault, consider talking to a therapist or counselor. Don’t ask the survivor to help you manage your feelings—they need to focus on themselves.
Believe them. Sexual assault can happen to anyone. Reassure the survivor that you believe what they’re telling you. Their experience is real, as are their feelings about it.
Encourage them to seek care. After sexual assault, your loved one may need to see a doctor for STI treatment, pregnancy testing, or other medical care. If they want support, a Hospital Advocate from The Blue Bench can meet them at the emergency room. [learn more link]
Remind them that they have options. Survivors can choose to report their assault to law enforcement. If your loved one sees a doctor, law enforcement may be contacted automatically, but the survivor ultimately gets to decide whether to file a report.
Empower their decisions—whether or not you agree. You may want your loved one to report their assault, see a doctor, contact a therapist, or reach out to a community resource like The Blue Bench. But only the survivor knows what they need to heal. No matter what they decide, make sure they know you support them.
Immediately After Sexual Assault
Not sure where to start? Start at The Blue Bench.
We offer many resources for survivors and their loved ones, including therapy, support groups, case management, and more.